tied down

Tim had told me - and shown me - that love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own,
no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

- Dear John, Nicholas Sparks

The adaptation is sadly a letdown. It definitely does not stand in line with Sparks' other movie tie-in books. Everyone booed at the ending. I personally feel that the scripting did not justify Sparks' simple yet compelling fused of words.

Anyhow, my thoughts are twinkling far off the movie. The quote just so happen fits in a mind-boggling manner. No, I am not here to wander around in circles. It will not be a winding journey for you readers.

It is a laugh to me whenever I bump into journal-like blogs. Feel offended, please do. There has to be a disparity between your integrity and the world. It is by preference, but care to take into account the damage of personality nudity. However, it it very much welcomed if being transparent is a policy and is done in a very tactful manner. Seriously, get hold of yourself.

This is my confession. Strip down.

My friend, Hanisah (Han) got into an accident. She was snow-tubing when her head hit something and she passed out. Hanisah remained unconscious over the night (she has regained consciousness this morning, and her condition looks positive). I kid you not that it was the scariest night of my life.

Yes, I have had my fair share of loved ones leaving me. It was the hardest when my maternal grandmother left me. I can never erase the priceless day I had with her before she completely lost her memory, always. But I had never been in the situation where the one I care about had an uncertainty of being alive. It killed me.

There was a tingling feeling inside of me when I entered my room last night. Images of Han and I laughing in the room flashed in front of my very eyes. My room looked dead. I walked in with tears streaming down my cheeks. It has been awhile since I last cried that hard. I have built this strong wall within me where crying is not an option. It gets stronger each day but when it crashes down, it leaves no brick. Just dusts.

The fear of losing is a fucking misery. Screw you if you are crying over losing a boyfriend. Screw you infinitely if crying is your way of gaining attention. I just suck at flashing off my sorrow. Ask me a hundred of times and I would still give you "I am okay".

It hurt me worst when Aida (kakak) was up north and I could not hug her. She was in shocked because she was there when it happened. It broke my heart when she told me, Han's last sentence to her was "I love you kakak". I trembled. I bid the world goodnight with a heavy heart.

Sunday morning was bright but not knowing Han's condition darkened the sky. A text from kakak half an hour later was a weight off the chest. Alhamdulillah.

Han has been nothing but a friend. She would know how I feel by listening to the songs I play at the piano. She would keep in mind not to cook too spicy because my tongue just cannot handle it. She would call me randomly just to tell me she misses me. She would knock on my door late at night just because she wants to sleep next to me. I even get the privilege of being around her boyfriend without having her adorably feeling jealous. It takes some people a lifetime to build a friendship, but it only takes us two genuine hearts. I love you honey. Get well soon cos I sure have tons of updates to bitch about!

But we can never be that happy. God tests us once more when kakak told me her boyfriend's father met with a car accident. He is now hospitalized and sadly is in coma. Goodness. At time like this, you are left speechless. You feel hopeless. You feel numb.

To my Iowa darlings, be strong. Let's keep on chanting spirits for them to fight for their lives. Dear God, please just let us come through.