It was not just a dream. It uplifts me when everything else fails. I have an eternal love none can ever compete.
It was not just a dream.
The day God took her away tiny voices whispered ‘let’s go visit her’. It was Friday, late noon. The sun was definitely at its best. The invention of air conditioner - totally wasted. My body rested comfortably on bed wondering how she was doing. Her condition deteriorated by days. ‘I’ll still visit her tomorrow with mom and Alia’. Our weekends were strictly prioritised for her. World’s expectation made frequent visits harder. I fell asleep.
Later, that day became history. Memories etched deep inside.
It was Alia who broke the news to me. I lost a remembrance of arwah atuk. Her existence reassured my blinking memory of him. Never a time when we talked did she not remind me of how much he loved me. Back then, little me was such a woody woodpecker. Still am apparently. Why wouldn’t I be when I had him to answer all of my curiosities. The curious cat sure damn owes him gratitude for being alive.
“Mak, ni siapa ni?” asked mom while pointing her finger at me. “Ingat lah! Cucu mak, Syaza Faiqah,” she answered with a grin. “Mak ingat lagi lah,” she gave another grin. We all laughed.
She got confused of her daughters, even forgot my aunt’s name. Silence. But that was what we had in return of mom’s question. She remembered me well. Very well. That was the early stage of her losing memory though. By days Alzheimer climbed up the memory ladder. Nothing can be done, except of course prayers to the Almighty.
I held her hand, gently moving my fingers in between hers. She forgot who I am. Apologising profusely, tears strolled down her cheeks. Puzzled, she stared at me blankly. I continued reciting the Yasin, eventually she fell asleep. It must have sounded lullaby. There were just the two of us. Deeply asleep, I stroke her hair, touched her cheeks and softly kissed her forehead. For quite a while, I sat there staring at her. I was on study leave. The initial plan was to do my revision there. By God’s will, indirectly I learnt how precious our breathing days are.
Being a first born is a blessing. Having a knit close family tie is a blessing. What more could I possibly ask for?
xxx
“Iqa paling untung, dapat wan dengan atuk jaga, sihat lagi. Wan masak pun boleh sambil dukung Iqa. Tak pun, wan bagi haa pinggan, mangkuk, cawan, sudu main. Bising satu rumah, orang masak dia pun nak masak.”
"Dapat wan rasa cucu wan bawa kereta."
“Iqa kecik-kecik pelat tau. Mulut becok. Kecik lagi dah pandai cakap, semua orang suka sakat.
“‘Tepi lalu, tepi lalu’ haa siapa suka cakap tuh? Iqa lah. Bila orang halang dia jalan je mula lah ‘tepi lalu, tepi lalu’.”
xxx
I lost two figures of undying love. Sometimes we just need that physical touch, to clarify the emotion. The warmth embrace, the tender kisses and the honest smiles. I lost that forever. Yes, I have my loved ones. But theirs’ none can ever replace. Having to meet up with people’s expectations can be stressful and at times frustrating. Parents’ hopes especially can just gloom a gleaming sun. Trivial fracas with people cannot be avoided at times. You never want to disappoint anyone.
I always had arwah atuk and arwah wan above all to turn to when everyone else’s being a bitch. They never judged me. Vivid memories were more with her than him. Always comforting me with her sweet smile, assuring me I’m fine and proud of my achievements. Those were definitely crystal tears I saw. My life is not only winged by my parents’ blessings, but also hers. Be it minor exams or just life as a whole, her prayers were certainly there. I am truly blessed.
I lost that now. The security.
Dear God,
That dream I had of arwah atuk calms me every now and then when I think of him. The other day she appeared in my night was not pleasing. An illusion I hope. Enlighten me in any way that she’s alright. Please.
This coming 30th marks a month of farewell.
A new chapter flipped without her. But the eternal love ends each sentence.
